Feminists and happy hoohas

“My hooha’s not happy.” I’m on a call with my best friend. She nods sympathetically as I continue, “Every time I have sex, she gets upset. And you know I’m not someone who will just say, ‘oh well, no more sex for me then’.”

My friend affirms: indeed, that’s not the kind of person I am.

“So, I phoned the sexual health clinic and I’ve got an appointment booked with my GP.” I pause, surprised to realise I’m suddenly feeling uncomfortable about my confession. I take a deep breath. “I refuse to feel any shame,” I add (as much for myself as for her), “or stigma. I know women of our age are expected to just put up and shut up about all this.”

My friend ponders this for a moment and then says something quite profound:

“I think our generation are finally having their feminist moment. We were crap feminists in our youth – ladette culture was all we managed. But now we’re the generation who are talking about menopause. We’re the ones running campaigns and groups and all sorts. And we’ll include talking about our hoohas in that, too.”

Photo by Monica Melton on Unsplash

I’m taken aback by her statement. She’s right: we are having our feminist moment. And my hooha is on the frontline.

I picture myself with a placard that reads “Happy Hoohas for All”. Or, perhaps I’d be bolder and hold one marked in big bold lettering: “CUNT CARE ON DEMAND”.

Because, fluffy euphemisms aside, I am talking about my cunt.

In the last few years of perimenopause, I’ve had vulval rashes and itching, herpes flare-ups, UTIs, generalised pelvic pain during and after sex and… I’ve had enough.

I reached out the amazing Sam Evans of Jo Divine. Sam is an ex-nurse who set up an online sex toy company with her husband, Paul. She is an incredible advocate for sexual health and wellbeing, as well as pleasure. And regularly gives advice to people of all ages and life stages.

Sam sent me this article from the Jo Divine blog. In it, she shares her own sexual health regime in perimenopause: vaginal moisturiser and local oestrogen, plus lubricant for any sex play. (Note: she only recommends body-safe lubricants and moisturisers, like Sutil and Yes.)

Helpfully, Sam also sent me a link to the Position Statement for Management of Genitourinary Syndrome of the Menopause (GSM) from the British Society of Sexual Medicine:

Studies have shown that around 70% of women have symptoms of genitourinary syndrome of the menopause (GSM), yet only 7% receive treatment.

Despite a vast majority of women experiencing symptoms related to this condition, only around 25% of women volunteer this information to their healthcare professional.

70% of healthcare professionals acknowledge they never, or rarely, ask about problems like vaginal dryness.

Now that I’ve decided I need to do something to support the health of my hooha cunt, I’m not going to stop until I get the care and support I need.

Because, here’s the rub:

I’m at a time in my life when my desires and my libido are changing. It would be relatively easy* to give up. To say, “ah well, we’ve had a good run, time for a new hobby now.”

But I won’t.

I won’t let go of my desire for desire.

It’s too important to me.

My sexual self deserves to live a long and happy (and healthy) life!

And, for that to happen, I need a happy hooha. I need a cunt that brings me pleasure, not unpredictable pain.

And, if that means upping my cunt self-care regime, I’m 100% in.

(*it would actually be incredibly difficult to just “give up” this part of me. Which is partly why I started writing here in the first place: I’m determined to retain my desire for desire, and to keep experiencing pleasure with my body - whilst honouring how these parts of me are changing and evolving.)